Imagine, a swarm of UT squirrels zooming into the stadium, to the wild applause from the Texas Longtails. Squirrels start to dance, forming pyramids while some others perform aerials across the field. As they dance faster, heartbeats match the beat of the song as people lose their minds, wildly jumping off their seats. A tumultuous roar fills the stadium as the music stops. OU hearts turn blissfully burnt orange, forgetting which team they belong to.
It’s time we change our mascot again. Last time, we went from a Pit Bull, a moderately eco-friendly animal, to a longhorn, an all-the-time-farting, methane producing, reason for our global warming, destructive to the next generation, forest finishing, creature. This time, we must make the right decision — we must choose the campus squirrels.
UT squirrels not only leave a much smaller footprint on our fields than Bevo, they are also great friends. They are always there to comfort us with their adorableness during our exams. Albino squirrels are even closer than buddies. They are gods! They bring us As when we least deserve them. We’re tighter than bark on tree. Bevo is never there in our most stressful moments of life. He’s like a full moon, appearing once in a long while. Or every Red River Rivalry, to be honest.
Apart from not being eco-friendly and unenthusiastic, Bevo probably gets scared when he smells Texans’ official gameday supper: BBQ brisket. When Bevo reaches the stadium, he is already thinking too much about becoming a steak that it has resulted in him defecating across the field while he is taking a lap at the beginning of the game — his only job other than munching on grass. No team fears an animal like that!
UT squirrels are known to be aggressive, a much-needed skill for our sports teams. They are cuter than a possum and meaner than a wolverine. In contrast, Bevo looks dumb as a box of rocks and ugly as a worn football.
When UT scores, the squirrels can take a lap of honor. They could be trained to replace our Cheer and Pom team! We need a looker as our mascot and there is no one better than our campus squirrels. They will mesmerize and distract the opposition while pumping up our teams with their agility and speed.
When we win, we shall sing “The Eyes of Texas” as we raise a Hook ‘em… I mean, a Tail ‘em…
Batra is a computer science and rhetoric and writing junior from New Delhi, India. Follow her on Twitter @ratnikabatra.
Editor's note 7/18: This column was written as a comical piece. The author does not find Bevo all that bad.