 "Photo: Erik Reyna/The Daily Texan")
COLUMBIA, Mo. — It was about time.
Texas had yet to start a game off quickly; to prove it was one of the best teams in the nation; to completely destroy an opponent mercilessly from the opening kickoff.
And, of course, it came against Missouri, the same team whom Texas exploded to the tune of a 35-0 lead last year. This year, at the Tigers’ homecoming game, where thousands of alumni flocked to the quiet and quaint burg of Columbia to reveille in all things Mizzou, they got to see the destruction first-hand.
Not that the Tigers were actually trying to help their own cause. Instead, they forgot the turning point of last year’s beatdown — their failed first play which set the tone of failure last year, a tone so strong it carried over into this season.
So to make sure this doesn’t happen again in 2012 — the next time the Longhorns face the Tigers, potential Big 12 Championship showdowns withstanding — let me give you a personal word of advice.
DO NOT RUN A SLOW-DEVELOPING TRICK PLAY AGAINST TEXAS.
I don’t care how cool it looks on a white board, or how exciting it is in practice, they are stupid. The double-reverse you ran to start the game last year turned out slightly better than Chernobyl. But yet, you had to one-up it this year, so you have your already injured quarterback, who can barely jog on and off the field, trying to complete the most ridiculous flea-flicker attempted this side of the Mississippi. The results: total and catastrophic failure two consecutive years.
I am sorry Blaine, I don’t think that was very fun for you. But look on the bright side: Your coaches won’t ever have another chance to abuse you against Texas again.
So Tigers, in case you didn’t take notes Saturday, here is a quick rundown of the lessons you learned:
1. Please, don’t run ridiculous trick plays against Texas. Ever. This isn’t intramurals, brother. It’s the Big 12, and not the Big 12 of yesteryear. It is quickly morphing into its sloppy, defensive-minded cousin, the SEC.
2. Never schedule homecoming against the toughest opponent on your schedule, especially the one who took you out behind the woodshed for a 60-minute beating last year. Unless all your alumni are masochists. Then continue this tactic.
3. Never leave Jordan Shipley open, not 1 inch, because that is all a fishing buddy needs to hook a completion.
4. Shakespeare’s pizza might be the best thing in Columbia, but it isn’t that good once it cools and grease congeals into a blob resembling Chase Daniels’ belly.
5. Never ask your bum-legged quarterback to outrun one of the most athletic defenses in the nation.
Hopefully, with these lessons ingrained in your heads, you can avoid the catastrophic results of the last two years.
Missouri trying to score against Texas was like me trying to hobble into Harpo’s, the legendary downtown Columbia watering hole, which refused to let any more patrons into its historical walls on Saturday night — it wasn’t going to happen.
And even when the doorman was gracious enough to let me step just inside the door, so I could complete the prerequisites to an authentic Columbia visit, I knew exactly how the Tigers felt earlier in the night when they scored their lone touchdown.
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