In the kitchen with Mangino

Mark Mangino is sitting squarely in the middle of the hot seat.

But don’t be confused ­— it has nothing to do with the recent scrutiny applied to him by Kansas athletic director Lew Perkins. Instead, it has everything to do with Mangino placing his recliner on top of his gigantic grill, which is constantly operated by a graduate assistant to ensure a steady supply of tasty meat snacks.

While he struggled to get up off the grates and out of the heat, I ran and snagged his personal cookbook, from which I furiously scribbled a few of his prized recipes.

As my friends, I’ve chosen to share those with you here. Remember to enjoy responsibly.

MARK MANGINO’S SIGNATURE SALAD

Hahahaha. Who am I kidding, I don’t eat salad.

Ingredients

6 lbs of thick cut, pecan smoked, peppered bacon
1 extra-short quarterback, preferably from Texas
1 additional quarterback, who should play wide receiver
12 cups of reduced-fat lard (must watch your fat intake)
2 cups kosher salt
2 cups course sea salt
2 cups fresh ground black pepper
1 dump truck load of shredded cheddar cheese
1 football helmet full of ranch dressing

Directions

• Fry bacon. Keep rendered grease for use in other recipes including, Mark Mangino’s Signature Old Fashioned cocktail.
• Prep quarterback. Push for him to be considered for the Heisman trophy. Proceed to bench him in the middle of a second half collapse against Texas Tech weeks later.
• Heat lard and mix in spices slowly, while folding in cheese to create a silky smooth, delicious dressing.
• Pour ranch dressing from helmet onto house made dressing.
• Crumble the bacon into the dressing and add in the remainder of the cheese.
• Try not to eat quarterbacks, but if you must eat only one.
• Enjoy, do not allow another battle royal between your team and “that good team” on campus to distract you.

RECIPE FOR BCS SUCCESS

Ingredients

1 bushel of non-conference games against Central Michigan, Southeastern Louisiana, Toledo and Florida International.
1 weak Big 12 South slate, facing Baylor, Texas A&M and Oklahoma State
1 Orange Bowl game against a team from the ACC

Directions

• Mince bushel of weak early season opponents. Use of Slap-Chop is encouraged.
• Stir in a mixture of an ultra-weak Big 12 South slate.
• Avoid BCS conspiracies that keep your team from tackling a quarterback on 4th and 19.
• Squeeze the juice of one Orange Bowl game against an overrated ACC team.
• Enjoy hallmark of your program’s football success in front a half-filled stadium.

SPOILED START SANDWICH

Ingredients

5 straight wins
1 entirely too close conference opener with Iowa State
5 straight losses
2 tsp. collapse
3 cups disappearing offense
2 cups rendered bacon grease

Directions

• Toast the pieces of bread until both the wins and losses are slightly brown and the early wins become insignificant.
• Smother bacon grease on each side of bread.
• Add in a scarily close call against Iowa State to serve as a siren for the bad news to come.
• Sprinkle the collapse all over your team, while folding in the disappearance of your offense, that was once ranked No. 2 in the nation.
• Eat without mercy.

MARK MANGINO’S SIGNATURE OLD-FASHIONED COCKTAIL

Ingredients

4 handles of rye whiskey
2 lbs sugar
1 bottle of Agnostura bitters
20 ozs. rendered bacon grease
2 oranges, peeled and sliced
4 slivers of lemon zest
2 jars cherries

Directions

• Use 5-gallon Gatorade tub as glass. Add sugar to whiskey, mix and add in bitters.
• Pour in bacon grease.
• Add in orange slices and muddle.
• Add ice as needed.
• Top with cherries.
• Drink, but not more than one per quarter.

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