Dear Guli,
I’ve just started dating a new girl, and everything is great except for one thing — I want to wait until marriage to have sex, and my girlfriend has had sex before. It doesn’t bother me that she’s not a virgin, but I want to know how I can make sure we’re on the same page about my commitment. Any advice?
Jesse
Dear Jesse,
The best way to stick to your decision not to have sex is to talk about it with your girlfriend as soon as possible. The most important thing you can do to make sure you and your girlfriend see eye to eye is to tell her that you don’t want to have sex, no matter what, and have a conversation with her about whether or not she will accept a relationship that isn’t sexual.
As a part of that conversation, you should get specific about what level of physical intimacy you’re comfortable with, and you need to agree on how much will meet both of your needs and expectations without violating your commitment to wait. Some people who choose not to have sex may only be okay with kissing, while others are comfortable with anything that isn’t vaginal sex. Whatever your level of comfort, communicating clearly with your girlfriend will help you avoid misunderstandings about what is and isn’t okay before you do something you might regret.
You also need to think about times that you might be tempted to have sex — like when you’re in the heat of the moment or you’ve been drinking, for instance — and agree that, even under those circumstances, sex is not on the table. Your girlfriend should commit to not trying to persuade you to have sex, and you should commit to talking openly and often about how things are going.
Have a burning question (or a burning sensation)? E-mail Guli Fager, healthy sexuality education coordinator for University Health Services, at g.fager@uhs.utexas.edu.
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