Last Thursday, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan formally denounced a Tennessee Republican Party news release that explicitly used Barack Obama's middle name, Hussein, to question his commitment to Israel.
In response to the denouncement, Tennessee GOP Communications Director Bill Hobbs said, "I saw a wire story out of the Middle East that talked about how a lot of people there are hungry for Obama to win and, in part, because his middle name gives him a connection, and that story used his middle name, so we're not the first people to notice and use his middle name."
I've heard a lot of people criticize Obama, in casual conversation as well as in the media, for having the middle name Hussein. Some claim that, because he shares the same name with the former evil dictator Saddam Hussein, he must have Muslim ties, which would make him a threat as president.
After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that these people are absolutely correct.
A candidate's middle name is the single most important factor in determining their effectiveness as president.
The fact that our future commander-in-chief could have ties to the Muslim faith is simply terrifying. Never mind that Obama is a member of the United Church of Christ, his middle name is clearly a better indication of his religious beliefs.
A Muslim president. What's next? Freedom of religion?
Oddly enough, I haven't heard much mention of the middle names of the other major candidates running.
Hillary Clinton's middle name is Diane. How is it possible that she can tote change with a name as common as that? I know at least 15 people named Diane. And clearly, based on her middle name, Hillary is just interested in keeping things vanilla. What a hypocrite.
John McCain's middle name is Sidney. I suppose I now know why it's not all that publicized. McCain often refers to his impressive military background, but how can a guy with a middle name like that be really all that tough? I'm glad I'm capable of looking past his numerous military honors, including his Bronze Star and Purple Heart, so I can notice what really matters in his candidacy - the fact that Sidney is a girl's name.
How could a person with a woman's name possibly be a capable politician? That's preposterous!
A person must have an outstanding middle name in order to run for president, so these candidates just simply won't do. Is there anyway we can push back the election?
But while we're dealing with middle names, let's consider some past Presidents.
Richard Nixon's middle name was Milhous. Yes, our one-time commander-in-chief shared a name with the lamest character on "The Simpsons." The Watergate scandal makes much more sense now. It wasn't as a result of Nixon's futile worrying that he would lose the election, it was just a clumsy Milhous-like error. I'm sure Nixon had a big crush on Lisa Simpson while in office. After all, with a middle name such as that, it's fair to assume.
And speaking of "The Simpsons," Ulysses Grant's middle name was Simpson. Perhaps he was related to accused murderer OJ Simpson. If Obama is being linked to Saddam Hussein through his middle name, there's no reason to think the former Civil War leader doesn't have ties to OJ. If only the voting men and women (pardon me, I mean men at that time) had been informed of Grant's middle name being linked to a future felon, surely history would have been altered. It's a wonder Grant didn't attempt to murder somebody while in office with a middle name such as that.
Our current president's middle name is Walker, as in the thing old people use to get around. How did this escape scrutiny? News networks clearly should have questioned his ability to run the country with a middle name such as Walker. It's a shame that Jeb Bushs' middle name is Ellis rather than "Texas Ranger," because he'd be a shoe-in for office with a middle name like that.
Obama sponsored 113 pieces of legislation in 2007 on topics ranging from military spending to education, but not a single bill dealt with him condemning himself for his blatantly offensive middle name. When Obama was born in 1961, his parents should have anticipated that an evil dictator in Iraq would share such a name and that giving their son that title would make him inherently bad.
America, I urge you, please look past every amiable trait that each candidate possesses and focus on what really matters in this upcoming election - their middle names.
Treadway is a radio-television-film sophomore.
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