Texas, I'm disappointed in you.
Austin faced an assault of the greatest order over the past week, and no one lifted a finger to protect her. Unscrupulous insurgents stormed our streets, ransacked our restaurants and terrorized our thrift shops in complete impunity. The noise that hung low in the air like a fog was maddening, and the scum that invaded our community left an irreparable stain on our lives.
Longhorns, I'm talking about South by Southwest.
My beef with SXSW isn't focused on emo hipsters, however. Scenester drones with nothing better to do than get haircuts and wear used clothing are so pathetically irrelevant that I've begun bumping into them on the street because I don't even perceive their existence. My problem with this "music festival" that taints Austin every year is its subversive source - the liberal media.
And that's why I'm disappointed. When a group of left-wing psychopaths protested military recruiters during Explore UT, nary a peep of disdain was heard from my disgusted conservative brethren.
This week, the red carpet was rolled out for the liberal music industry and their tools of subjugation: terrible bands. The liberal media has gotten so adept at coercion that the hoi polloi has actually started welcoming them with open arms.
Texas, we need to learn how to identify this liberal menace.
The truth is, Horns, the media is nothing more than a liberal brainwash machine. Don't be fooled by their smoke and mirrors, Texas - America's largest media conglomerates, owned by some of the richest individuals on the planet and motivated purely by profit, are poisoning our minds with their left-wing rhetoric.
The media's extremist influences permeate every aspect of our informed society, from our movies to our television programs to our newspapers. In fact, if you've so much as glanced at any piece but this one in the newspaper you're reading right now, you're 10 percent more likely to vote for Hillary Clinton in 2008.
I don't even know if we conservatives are fooled by the liberal media's deceit - we may just be tired of fighting an uphill battle. An underdog can only wage war against evil for as long as victory is on the horizon, and the capitulation of vulgarity and immorality seems like a pipe dream at this point.
The voices of reason such as Sean Hannity and myself are being drowned out by the liberal talking points concealed within emo songs and MySpace blog entries. The liberal monopoly on information has reduced our society to androgyny and the malnutrition required for men to fit into size 0 pants. Kudos, liberals - you've defeated God.
Texas, we've got to fight back. We may not be able to halt the liberal media's constant barrage of deafening hot air, but we can stop listening. I, for one, don't read any books or periodicals, and I've programmed my TiVo to automatically block out any television show that doesn't feature Ann Coulter or Bob Novak.
And even if we can't win, at least we know we fought the good fight. I take solace in the fact that the next time the motley crew of ne'er-do-wells that attended SXSW congregates, it will be at a location much farther south than Austin - the fiery bowels of hell.
Seufert is a finance senior.
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