Get ready for the best thing to happen to broke college guys since Cain and Abel's introduced $1 beers on Tuesday nights - green dating.
Everything is going green these days, from low-energy homes to bamboo armchairs. Both national publications, such as Vanity Fair, and local publications, like Austin Monthly and the Austin Chronicle, recently released "green issues." A report in Thursday's Austin American-Statesman declared green "the new black," claiming that nearly three-fourths of the U.S. population would pay more money for environmentally friendly furniture.
But those folks have it all wrong. The best part about going green is saving green.
Without further ado, here is the guide to green dating:
Let's start at the beginning of the night, with the pick-up. No car? No problem. The green excuses are endless. You're sans car because automobiles are anathematic assassins of our precious ozone, not because the repo man took it away a few weeks ago.
And you are far too morally decent to purchase gas at those ridiculous prices. Your high standards do not allow you to line the pockets of those greedy oil tycoons.
That's why it's the green choice to take the No. 1 bus, which stops right in front of the University Co-op and makes stops all over downtown Austin.
"What's that Mr. Bus Driver? This ride is free with my UT ID? You don't say."
Remember, you're not being cheap, just "environmentally conscious."
Next on the itinerary is dinner, and conveniently, the bus stops at Sixth Street and Congress Avenue, just yards away from Ruth's Chris Steak House. The restaurant offers some of the best beef in the state at about $30 per steak.
But you can't eat there. "The thought of all those innocent cattle being brutally slaughtered makes my eyes water, not my mouth," you say with a somber face.
So you stay on the bus for a few more miles and get off at South Lamar and Bluebonnet Lane, right in front of Mr. Natural. Yes, Mr. Natural is the place to eat, not because you can make a nice meal out of the large salad for $4.95, but because it is 100-percent vegetarian.
"Sure, you can have the extra guacamole for $1.95," you tell your companion. "Money is no object on the green date."
From there, it's a short walk to Zilker Park, where you can enjoy your dinner on the soft green grass. The park offers a great look at the city skyline and the view is as romantic as it is free.
As you cuddle under the stars your date may start to notice the stench coming from your unwashed clothes. No worries. Laziness is not the culprit to blame for your grimy garments; it's your compassion for conservation that is at fault. Washers and dryers are a drain of energy and water.
If your date buys that routine, then you might have a chance to take her back to your apartment.
"Why is it so hot and dark in here," she will likely ask, walking into your humble quarters.
"It's just mood lighting, and open windows are much more energy efficient than central air," you respond, failing to mention the fact that you never paid your electric bill.
If things progress quickly and your date asks if you have a condom, just remind her of latex's harmful effects on our ecosystem. You better make your first green date count because it will probably be your last.
Urbanski is a journalism senior.
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