It's that time, when television studios rouse from their summer hibernation and roll out their fall schedules. New and returning TV shows are here to appease the advertising gods and fickle viewers.
One of the new programs comes from VH1: "America's Most Smartest Model."
Usually, I'm blase about reality programs, but this title piqued my interest for three reasons. First, there was a superlative too many in the title. Second, one usually doesn't see the words "smartest" and "model" in the same sentence. Third, based on the title alone, I thought: Finally, there is a program actually showcasing intelligent models, which is great because it can really show up jerks like me, who think "smartest model" is an oxymoron.
I watched the casting special of the show on an iTunes preview. It showed clips in which hosts questioned various models of different backgrounds and genders on American history and politics. Pretty simple fare, no?
It started with a male model who explained what being smart meant to him. He gave a well thought-out answer. So far, so good. Then it cut to the next model, a woman wearing what looked like a bustier. Her question was: What do you call a consumer who eats both plants and animals. She answered: dinosaur.
Dinosaur?
The back of my skull started to ache like there was a metalsmith hammering a sword into shape then using it to stab repeatedly into my brain. This was the same particular headache I get whenever I watch Jaywalking on "Leno."
The next model answered "George Washington" when asked who is the vice president of the United States. The show then cut to several other models who answered "Lance Armstrong" as the first man to walk on the moon. One particular model said a year is how long it would take the earth to complete one revolution around the sun, but she couldn't answer how many days there are in a year. Model after model gave answers that would raise the self-esteem of an idiot.
The next model, a male, was asked what the Emancipation Proclamation was. He had no idea. What made this even worse was that he was black.
Okay. New rule: If I, a foreign student, must take a required course in American history and politics, everybody who's born or sworn in as an American must at least know the name of the ship the Pilgrims traveled on into Plymouth or the number of states America has.
Granted, it could be clever editing that made most of the models being interviewed look more dense than they are, but it boggles one's mind to think that people this clueless exist. If some people can get this far in life without knowing who the current president is, it's not much of a stretch to say they could go from cradle to grave without knowing how to spell.
The next model was a gem. If I turned to the word "clueless" in my imaginary illustrated Webster, I'd find a picture of Mandy Lynn. She said once people get to know her, they realize she is smart. She also added that she is "more people-smart, not book-smart." I got to know Lynn for a minute and a half, and I found that: a) She thought New York was the capital of America, b) she was incredulous to discover America actually had a capital, c) she has the patented bimbo giggle that makes me want to shove pencils in my ears.
I felt like someone had hit rewind on the evolutionary scale when Daniel Schuman came on next. Schuman, with his dazzling smile and eyes you could get lost in, gave a run down of his academic credentials (degrees in biological anthropology and anatomy and psychology) and proceeded to answer all the questions correctly.
Watching him was like discovering a species that was once considered extinct. My faith in the human race has been restored. For the final tally, Schuman and several other bright models were thrown into the mix with the dim ones. Given the odds, I suspect it's a foregone conclusion as to which camp of models will prevail. I could watch the series to corroborate my predictions, but one blinding headache is enough for this year.
Cheong is a screenwriting graduate student.
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