Well, it’s time for another Red River Showdown, and for the first time since 2007, both of our teams are coming in with a loss on their records. That’s because our defense’s tackling is about as reliable as a TCU quarterback behind the wheel, and your team handled Collin Klein about as well as Vince Young handles his money.
And once again, our University is in the national spotlight, this time for a high-profile Supreme Court case regarding our admissions policy. We figure you’d be able to empathize with the plaintiff, since no one in Norman was admitted to UT either.
It’s hard for us not to be so proud of our University. It’s often said that a burnt orange Texas sunset is a sign that God is a Longhorn fan. In reality, though, it’s just proof that anything looks glowing when you put it next to Oklahoma.
And, while last week’s loss to West Virginia stung, we got to welcome a new school to the conference. Their fans were great and nothing like the couch-burning, moonshine-swigging horror stories we’d feared. That should give y’all some relief, since embarrassing the rest of the Big 12 Conference has always been your domain.
But then again, we have to respect when a team is playing well and off to a great start, even if it is from Oklahoma. So congratulations, Tulsa, keep it up.
But we jest. We don’t really think your school is an elaborate prank designed to lure people into buying Toby Keith albums. In reality, the University of Oklahoma is outstanding and on par with our nation’s great academic institutions, a “lighthouse on the prairie,” if you will. (Note from Copy Desk: isn’t that supposed to say “outhouse?”)
However, in past years these letters have gotten pretty mean, full of vitriol and references to trailer homes. We thought that this year we’d tone it down a little and instead offer some friendly advice for our Sooner friends — although, due to space constraints, shoe-tying lessons will have to wait until next year.
First, while you’re in Dallas this weekend, make sure to party responsibly. While brewskis in Oklahoma are only 3.5% ABV, here in Texas we drink grown-up beer. A few too many of those and you’ll be stumbling around the West End, trying to convince a light pole that you didn’t lose to Tech last year. But don’t worry. If by chance you do crush a few too many Natty Lites, what’s the absolute worst that could happen? You end up back in Oklahoma?
Next, come Saturday morning you’re going to want to get to the fairgrounds early to take in all the sights and sounds. Make sure to try the Fair’s many culinary offerings, including buffalo flapjacks, pineapple upside-down cake and even fried bubblegum, or, as you call it in Oklahoma, “bubblegum.”
After that, you can make your way down to the Midway to try the games or rides. You might even see some celebrities in town for the game. But remember, if you think you see the cast of “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo,” don’t be fooled. It just means you’re lost in the House of Mirrors. Again.
Lastly, and this is important, we’ve been asked by the State Fair organizers to remind our Sooner neighbors that they do not condone any kind of grotesque freak-show attractions or theater. No matter how many coupons the children offer to give you.
But above all else, don’t forget to make it into the stadium in time for kick-off. Now, we know Sooners aren’t good with basic math, numbers or any of the other skills necessary to tell time, so we’ve come up with a more suitable frame of reference.
Kick-off is going to be about two hours after you pick up your cousin from the county jail, about an hour before you quit your Sudoku (because who doesn’t love Sudoku?) and somewhere between the third and fourth time you blame something on Obama that day.
For the rest of the civilized world, that time is known as 11 o’clock. Coincidentally, the National Weather Service has just confirmed that, at that time, OU will still suck.
We hope y’all enjoy the game. And by the way, we really applaud the OU Daily for “going green” this year. Your dedication to the cause really speaks to your willingness to recycle all your jokes from previous years.