 "Photo: AP")
Usually I'm about as excited to see the "MTV Movie Awards" as I am with canker sores and every other program on MTV. But with Sarah "the only funny female comic" Silverman hosting this year's awards, I decided to join millions of 12-year-olds across the nation and subject myself to two hours of advertising tie-ins and celebs pimping their movies. Here is what transpired:
Pre-show: After watching the award's pre-show, two things have become increasingly clear: The new Transformers movie will be completely unwatchable, and 2007 will forever be known as "the year Paris Hilton went to jail." In a red-carpet interview, MTV VJ Suchin Pak calls Paris "courageous," and I couldn't agree more. I know it's going to take real courage to take time off from whoring around to serve her jail sentence. After the interview, three male models - er, "actors" - from Transformers are forced to explain the movie's plot. Instead of the gibberish they spouted off, I wish they would have just said "It's about cars that transform into robots … and then shit blows up."
7:05 - Sarah Silverman's monologue kills. An awards show is definitely the perfect outlet for her brand of paradoxically adorable, yet excessively crude, humor. However, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed she doesn't do one her obnoxious songs in the cutesy voice she does.
7:11 - Jessica Alba and the other three no-names from the Fantastic Four present an award. Until now, I was pretty certain Jessica Alba couldn't get any hotter, but standing next to these three guys would make any woman look like … um … Jessica Alba.
7:12 - More commercials for the Transformers movie.
7:20 - Jack Nicholson wins "Best Villain" for The Departed and is actually present to accept the award. I guess this is what he does in June when the Lakers are knocked out of the playoffs. Say what you want about the guy, but how many other 72-year-old men can still look cool in black sunglasses?
7:28 - After Dane Cook introduces a bunch of amateur-made spoofs, I become certain he sold his soul to become famous. Cook then compares something to "punching yourself in the balls," which is fitting, because it's exactly what I want to do to myself every time I hear him speak.
7:34 - MTV reminds us that Michael Bay is coming out with an update of the Transformers series. This marks the 34th time the word "Transformers" has been uttered, and there are 90 minutes left in the broadcast.
7:42 - Bruce Willis presents an award and is still the coolest Republican since McCain sold out to the social conservatives. Why can't one of the Republican big-wigs convince Willis to run? His answer to every question in debate could be "Yippie kay yay," and I would still vote for him.
7:56 - Sporting Uma Thurman's hair in Pulp Fiction, someone named Rhianna sings with fashion mogul Jay-Z. Apparently Jay raps now, too.
8:02 - Adam Sandler could not be more washed up. I wish we could find out he's had a real drug problem for the last 8 years, because I find it hard to believe one of my childhood idols could be this bad.
8:08 - Actual quote from the show: "Transformers, Transformers, Transformers, Cameron Diaz, transformers, transformers, Borat."
8:22 - Justin Timberlake was actually nominated for "best breakthrough performance." I'm glad MTV is recognizing up-and-coming stars like this. Though to be fair, his real breakthrough performance this year came from the "Dick in the Box" skit on SNL.
8:31 - MTV creates an award for "dirtiest mouth" as a product tie-in for Orbit gum. I can't wait for them to create an award for the Transformers to win. I think the best bet for the award is "least believable dialogue in a summer action movie."
8:34 - It starts raining outside, and I start praying that my power goes out so I don't have to watch the rest of the show.
8:35 - Amy Winehouse sings a rendition of her song "Rehab" with a full-on orchestra. The performance is kinda flat and I'm still convinced her tattooed pop-princess persona is an act. She's like if Avril Lavigne took it to the next level.
8:42 - After a bad joke, Sarah Silverman quips that she should never "pay her writers with pot." True story: the Texan tried a few years back, and the only articles they received were exposes about new Doritos flavors and the best way to clean your bong.
8:45 - Johnny Depp wins the award for best actor and is dressed in a flannel sweater tied around his waist. Either the early '90s have already become vintage, or someone needs to tell Johnny that it isn't 1992 anymore.
8:50 - My dreams have come true. Transformers wins the award for "best summer movie you haven't seen before." Too bad I then proceeded to choke on my own vomit. Seriously though, how can a movie that hasn't been out win an award? Would any other awards show do something like this? It's like the NBA decided to give Kevin Durant the award for "best NBA rookie to have never played in a game."
8:56 - Amazingly enough, Transformers isn't nominated for "best movie." Well guys, there is always hope for next year.
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