Lying intertwined in the sweaty afterglow of a sexual romp can be one of the most emotionally fulfilling, monumentally disappointing or chillingly awkward moments of a sexual interaction. From pillow talk and cuddling to grabbing the keys, finding your underwear and sheepishly hauling butt for the door, the vast array of post-coitus feelings can sometimes be difficult to manage.
When a friend of mine requested that I write about “post-coitus protocol,” I laughed a bit, thinking how protocol-less the situation is.
But a quick Google search of “cuddling” made it quite clear that the hiatus between sex and sleep — or sex and leaving — is in fact a troubling time for many people.
The top result from my “cuddling” query was a Videojug video called “How to Avoid Trapped Arm Whilst Cuddling in Bed.” The third match is the Cosmopolitan article “Cuddle Positions: the Body Language of Love.”
Continued perusal confirmed my suspicions that the afterglow is a period of time filled with a myriad of expectations, most of which are stereotyped according to gender roles.
The pattern of expectations suggests that the woman wants to be wrapped up in her lover’s arms while the gentleman would prefer to pass out with his arm safely by his side.
Images of this dichotomy are prevalent, but one of its most iconic portrayals can be found in the 1989 film “When Harry Met Sally,” when Harry tells Sally that most of her romantic problems spring from her high expectations and romantic ideals. “How long do you like to be held after sex?,” Harry asked. “All night, right? See, that’s your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.”
Cuddling is typically associated with the afterglow because post-orgasm is a period when our brains are flooded with hormones. One of these hormones is oxytocin, a central neurological player in pair-bonding and feelings of contentment.
Active during childbirth, breast-feeding and kissing, oxytocin is also busy creating bonding associations in the female brain after sex. But in the male brain, oxytocin receptors can be interfered with due to higher testosterone levels, according to Dr. Marianne J. Legato, founder of the Partnership for Gender-Specific Medicine at Columbia University.
Perhaps now, we can just blame our differences on neurobiology?
I’m not quite so ready.
Most of the studies done on oxytocin and pair-bonding have focused on how and why human beings fall in love and stay monogamous. More importantly, these studies are conducted with the intention of finding a scientific explanation for the stereotypical gender differences our culture has already come to accept.
The desire to say “girls want to cuddle” and “boys want to sleep/leave” has little to do with what actually happens after sex and much more to do with our longing to blame everything on uncontrollable variables, like neurobiology.
I find it dubious that people just find themselves cuddling as if by instinct. Rather, I suspect that there are more obvious reasons why some people want to cuddle with their partners while others would rather get on the nearest interstate highway.
Each person, regardless of gender, enters the sexual experience from a unique perspective with unsaid expectations. A desire to cuddle is an obvious display of intimacy, trust and love. But personal space preferences aren’t necessarily a barometer of love; a person who doesn’t want to cuddle is not necessarily a person who is incapable of love or monogamy. So when a partner wiggles out of your grasp, maybe it’s best not to think too much into it.
On the other hand, if they’re out of the door before you’ve even scribbled down your phone number, and you’re left wishing you had gotten somewhere between 30 seconds and an entire night of snuggling — perhaps you put yourself in a sexual situation with someone who had different emotional expectations. And it just seems a little irrational to blame that on neurobiology.
