 "Photo: Jordan Gomez")
Few things in life are better than a cookout. Good food, good people and cold beer - these things may disgust you if you're an antisocial straight-edge vegan, but for the rest of us who are American, a cookout is a great place to bond with our fellow man and stuff ourselves in the process.
We are the United States of Convenience. Rarely do we have the time, the space or most crucial of all, the motivation to have a gathering. The microwave is the maiden ship for our culinary explorations, leaving the grill withering from lack of attention. To capitalize on our changing sensibilities, the good folks at Swanson tried their best to replicate a cookout with their Hungry Man XXL: Backyard Barbecue. Note that this is XXL: more than a pound and a half of food. Barbecues are not for those afraid of excess - people who have been to Stubb's Gospel Brunch know this all too well. Even without opening the box, Swanson has succeeded in replicating the experience.
Perhaps the most controversial facet of the box dinner is the "rib-shaped" pork patty, but I find it to be the crowning jewel. It's fake, yes, but it's damn proud of it. Authentically fake, if you will. Where there should be bones is more processed meaty goodness. Bite into it, and you'll understand why having no bones is so tasty. The chicken also bears marks of authentic insincerity with its grill marks acting as tattooed battle scars. No fat or bones on the chicken either - who needs 'em? The sauce, made from Anthony Bourdain's tears and Bobby Flay's nervous sweat, is too sweet and thick for its own good. It's more like having syrup for your meat than an actual sauce. Even the mashed potatoes, the only non-meat component aside from the sauce, want you to know it's okay if you didn't labor over their creation. The whole dish such a monument to our refined food tastes and work ethic, Patton Oswalt should have a routine about it.
The Backyard Barbecue has also taken out some of the worst aspects of an all day-cookout. You won't have to deal with that uncle with a penchant for Schafer, your crazy liberal cousin trying to bomb the event with Boca Burgers, or that terrible movie "The Cookout." No more listening to Bad Company or Alan Jackson, either - you can set your own soundtrack to chowing down on this masterpiece. "Job for a Cowboy" is almost the musical parallel to the Backyard Barbecue, though Sammy Hagar also complements the meal.
Having your own Backyard Barbecue couldn't be easier. Follow the instructions on the label, and you'll be in rib-shaped heaven!
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