Sage speech advice to SG candidates


We will vote for a brand new crop of student leaders this Wednesday and Thursday. As in any election, there will be winners and losers. The losers will politely clap with fake smiles plastered on their faces. They will ultimately sulk off to their rooms and turn to Ben and Jerry for moral and nonjudgmental support. The winners, however, will have their first moments of UT stardom when they celebrate their success with a grand speech. I say, why not take inspiration from Oscars’ acceptance speeches in order to properly stir up your loyal voters who worked tirelessly to place you in your new position?

First and foremost, thanking your family is a must. The family shoutout is a great place to pull on the heartstrings, so try using a cliché metaphor like Ang Lee did when accepting the Oscar for Best Director. “You are the golden statue in my heart,” Lee said when speaking of his cast. 

It is always likeable to give credit to the unsung heroes, perhaps those who shouted your last name around campus with a superhuman fervor and tenacity each day between classes. Sean Fine brought on stage the once-homeless woman whom he features in his Oscar winning documentary short Sunday night. Let me tell you, the tissues were flying.

Finally, no good speech is without a little kick. Spicing it up with some controversy is always memorable. Why not take a cue from Tom Hanks’s intense 1993 Best Actor speech and out your gay high school government teacher while explaining how he taught you open-mindedness in politics?

In short, SG candidates, when practicing your victory speeches in your mirror, don’t forget Mommy, the little people, and go out with a bang. Remember to rehearse your shock faces!