The choice is inevitable. It’s almost ingrained into our techie, millennial DNA. We shiver at the sight of one. But at one point, you will have to choose which scooter brand will get you to that 8 a.m. not-important-to-your-degree-unless-you-want-to-major-in-vampires UGS course in the Jester Auditorium.
It may seem utterly pointless, seeing as they only go up to 8 mph within specific University limits. It may seem like they all do the same thing: rack up fines if you park them incorrectly. But the particular choice says a lot more about the user than your Chani Nicholas playlist on Spotify.
So, what do the five scooter brands say about you? Could this test be used as the question following “What ‘Office’ character are you?” to filter out the exquisite Bumble matches on your dusty profile?
Bird: $1 to start and $0.27/minute (plus tax). Travels up to 15 miles fully charged. Speeds vary. Has a slow-speed mode.
The original scooter. The granddaddy of the all the scoots running over our beautiful city. If you use Bird, you are a creator. You are a self-starter and determined innovator. You like to take command of tasks and often whine about being the only person who does work in a group project, when in reality, all you did was create the Google Drive folder for your team. You are stubborn. You like things your way, and you insist that the Cheddar Jalapeño Cheese Cheetos are the best. Essentially, you are the Gemini of the scooter brands, and people think of you as the devil. However, you brush things off easily and are confident in yourself and your poor taste of snacks.
Lime: $1 to unlock and $0.27/minute. Travels up to 35 miles. Speeds almost up to 15 mph.
We don’t even have to pretend that you weren’t at Cain and Abel’s last night throwing one back with the boys or having a Texas Tea with the girls. You probably ride Lime because it was the first joyride you were a part of with Brad, Chad, Thad and frat brother Logan. You are the social life of friend groups, and people love being around you. You credit yourself with knowing how to start the party with “incredible” taste in music — queue “Mr. Brightside” and “Come on Eileen.” You live life one meme at a time.
Jump (Uber): In Austin, they’re free to unlock and $0.30/minute. Travel distance varies. Speeds up to 15 mph.
If you use Jump, you use Uber. If you use Uber, you’re not using Lyft. And if you’re not using Lyft, you’re probably 30 years old or someone from Texas A&M University. Regardless, you pride yourself on being the intellectual of the group. You perceive the world in a deeper sense by reading books and subscribing to The New Yorker. People love knowing you, but they try hard to avoid you. You want to know why? Because most people don’t want to talk about the reasons for the Vietnam War while watching good ‘ole Texas “whoop” on the Sooners. Seriously, everyone loves a good historical documentary, but what we’re really interested in is the real issue. Like how Sansa (both literally and figuratively) dragged Bran when coming up for reasons for him to be king. Sorry if I spoiled anything, but in reality, you’re probably one of those “The books are better, and I can’t seem to enjoy any form of adaptations because I like to eat raisins and listen to Michael Balbaro at night” people. You’re smart, but if you cared, you wouldn’t be using Jump.
Lyft: $1 to unlock and $0.15/minute. Travels up to two miles. Speeds up to 15 mph.
If you choose Lyft for your scooter transportation, you probably spend too much time chasing clout on Twitter. Your Zachary Fox and Dory retweets may fool everyone on your feed into thinking you’re some isolated, social media prophet, but we all know you secretly want to be accepted and loved like everyone else. You are creative and artistic. You speak your passion through your non-conventional endeavors. You don’t see the world in black or white but in various shades of purple, red, pink and black. Your hobbies and interests are your greatest strengths, but you fear acceptance, so you settle for obscure titles on your Spotify playlist and an indie-noire, Lynch-esque curated list of Netflix films. Oh, and you probably own a film camera that you swear you use but continuously confuse the name “Porta” for Ellen’s wife.
Spin: $1 to start and $0.27/minute.
Spin users are the people that won’t ever read this article. Why? Because they do not exist. Let’s be honest, we have never seen someone ride a Spin scooter. Are they the unsung hero? Are they the Aang of the scooter nations?
Whichever scooter brand you decide to use, remember that there are others out there. We’re all different, and we choose them for personal reasons, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t all priced the same and do the exact same thing.