If you’re like past me, you’re preparing to spend another V-Day alone with your #CocksNotGlocks dildo and some barely-smut-enough “Supernatural” fanfiction. But this year, things will be different for me — and I’m going to do everything in my power to make things different for you, too.
With no preparation whatsoever and the know-how I acquired through 30 minutes of intense online research, let’s get you V-Day laid.
Psych yourself up. Pretend that, deep down, you want emotional love and physical connection with one person. Now pretend that person is the girl you swiped right on Tinder. That’ll help you get into the holiday mindset, meaning you’re basically halfway there.
Lower your standards. You probably have an inflated self-esteem, and it’s probably for a reason. But your straight As and charity work won’t land you in someone else’s bed tomorrow morning — it might not even get you to first base. So if you, like me, have a great “personality,” it might be time to shoot for a 6 or below. A fuckable appearance and actually good sex are inversely correlated anyway.
Harness the power of your daddy’s money. If you actually buy them pizza, keep in mind where each brand will get you:
Little Caesar’s: An extremely offended slap in the face.
Domino’s: A passionate make-out session before they let you know they’re waiting till marriage.
Pizza Hut: A slightly fulfilling hand job in the back of your Honda Civic.
DiGiorno: A reason to go back to your apartment.
Feel free to lie your ass off, but only about the important things. Guys, pull a Ted Mosby and talk about how sad you are that you haven’t found “the one” yet. Girls, pull a me and say your daddy never loved you. A pity fuck, while it sounds like a bad thing, is still a fuck.
Don’t bring friends to the bar unless they’re uglier than you. The reason? There’s a chance your more attractive friend will score 10 times over and leave you in the dust. Also, you don’t want to focus on someone you actually like because it’ll distract you from focusing on the completely average guy or gal you’ll end up with tonight.
Talk to people. Yeah, it’s disgusting and kind of scary, but if you approach someone in the real world instead of on your phone, they’ll most likely be so shocked that they will, like rabid dogs, immediately latch onto your genitals. If this fails for you, redownload Tinder.
Wear clothes you didn’t buy at Tyler’s. Like, actually put on that suit or dress you wore for high school debate or graduation or your grandpa’s funeral. A well-dressed person has a chance. A person in khaki cargo shorts or a T-shirt with a whale on it does not.
Be cheesy and romantic. A great thing about Valentine’s Day is you can use all the shitty pick-up lines from the cards your mom made you hand out in elementary school. Say something really stupid about V-Day or cupid or chocolate-covered strawberries, then make fun of V-Day or cupid or chocolate-covered strawberries, then buy them pizza and ask if they want to get it on. If they haven’t walked away from you yet, they’re interested. Foolproof.
You’re probably good by now, so here’s a reminder: Come prepared. Drug stores can only keep a finite number of Plan B boxes on the shelves, so make sure you’re bagging it. If not, please name your child Cupid as a reminder of your poor decision-making.
Editor's Note: The name originally chosen for this recurring, weekly column has been removed because of an unintended and coincidental association with a member of a previous student protest. As such, The Daily Texan has deleted the comments referencing the original name.