- Editor's note: The following is a Daily Texan -30- column. In the typewritten days of the newspaper industry, a "-30" denoted the end of a story. A -30- column gives graduating staff members an opportunity to reflect and speak their mind.
Fuck. I know exactly where it started.
The middle school bathroom stall was disturbing me again. It was not because of a spiraling pile of excrement that was tucked neatly behind the commode.
That was weeks, maybe months ago.
And it was not that somebody had forgotten to flush for the millionth time.
No, this time I could see the writing on the walls, and it was a word, not a turd, that was the culprit.
In the joyful haste that surely accompanies scribbling on a bathroom door, somebody had written "fuk." I had never dared say the word, but even my sheltered eyes knew this spelling was incorrect.
If you decide to take a stab at graffiti, can you please just consult a dictionary first?
After my parents confirmed the proper spelling for the f-bomb, they realized I destined to be a compulsive language analyst. They were much more afraid that I would get caught by a school employee while correcting the profane word than they were of me repeating it.
I have always had passion for the written word, and the Texan has helped me develop a love for the mere scent of ink. I am ready to begin my new writing quest.
You don't know where and you don't know when / But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Until Forever
Wes: I'll never forget that day outside the Texan. I'm glad you persisted. You are the sweetest, smartest and funniest person ever, and I will really miss you while I am off "paying my dues." Consider it an opportunity to practice air hockey. I can't wait for us to start chasing after chemical plants. I love you. It's aboooot freedom!
Jamey: We turned out pretty well despite The Parents, Precious. Too bad you got the girl's name. I love you.
Mom and Dad: I'm glad you knew I had more up my sleeve than Impact. Thanks for letting me have so many pets and for making me feel like a superstar. I love you.
Don't Forget to Write
Tito: Good luck reclaiming your bike, old man. I have loved every minute working for you. Sorry "RoomRaiders" didn't work out. My fingers are crossed for "Elimidate."
Tiphany: Your beer made the banquet a lot more interesting.
Becca: You are my favorite copy editor ever.
Ashley: You bring the wild turkey and we'll both hit up the e-bus.
Mariel, Rachel, Christine, Lauren, Marjon and Joey: Thanks for being the most reliable writers on my staff.
Craig: You've inspired me to exchange shirts with homeless people in Europe, too. I'll miss our conversations.
Austin: Thanks for the Unloco relic. You must send me a compilation of your music stories so I can decide which CDs to buy.
Kevin and Laura: Meet me at Baja Fresh?
Claire: Why'd you have to study abroad my one semester on p-staff?
Tim: Thanks for the food sections. Stop eating Chipotle before it kills you.
Jonathan: I'm not leaving Austin until we get that Brownie Boat and beer.
Sklar: Wear those shoes with pot designs next time you are on an elevator with Stan Knee. I'll never forget the look on his face.
Ruthless: How did you learn to decode the Cuban dialect? Thanks.
Ben Heath: Thanks for giving me "featurey stuff" and days off. And pointing out that I write "that" too much. I don't know anyone like you either.
Jeff and A.J.: Thanks for letting me write news again, even if it was just Austin Nature Day.
Ken: I want your chicken suit.
Todd Hilliard,York, Pete, Brian V.: You made news almost as cool as entertainment.
Eric and Jake: As terrifying as the sports office is, you guys made it a bit more inviting.
Stay in School
Rusty: Thanks for helping me along my path of "flirting with fate."
Rosental Alves: You've got to teach a networking class. I'll miss you.
Amy: You will make a perfect professor.
Gene Burd: "Junk food" is not all that bad.
Kathy Lawrence: Sorry about initiating a change in employment.
Dr. Panero, Dr. John Daly, Dr. Gosling, Dr. Maggie, Dr. Loving: I think I'll remember your classes.
Christina Perkins: You are the best adviser ever.
Needs Improvement
Caitlin: Thanks for reminding me that I need to carefully screen potential friends.
UT parking police: You gave me my first ticket and made my 21st birthday special.
Cameron Lockley and Martin Haest: Your firing lines prove that somebody other than my parents noticed my stories. Cameron, I find it ironic that you would start writing for that rag soon after your misinformed submission. I eagerly await the day that both of you become literate.
Stay Cool
Dust: I know they don't read in Tech, but you deserve a spot in here.
Ray: It's too bad about that golf trip.
Diana George of Austex Jewelry: You are the bead guru. Thanks for the amazing deals.
Kerry Awn: Thanks for adding me to the mural. I'm elated that you decided against painting me as the topless girl.
Major: I wish I could utilize just one beer as efficiently as you do.
Metro: If it wasn't for you, I would have never gone back to the Texan that first day of tryouts.
UT Polo Club: Sorry I chose the Texan. I miss you.
Christan: You're the coolest. Texas Monthly and Spot were fun.
David Gould: I can't believe you're finally graduating.
Hays people: Congrats on making it past freshman orientation. Few of us did.
In the real world, I may very well have lost my job for a performance like this.
Erin Gage moves beyond Texan news, features and entertainment after three years. She will peddle her relentless stream of food stories to some other publication.
Be the first to comment on this article!